Its crunch time. Only 11 days left...
These are the last few days that will make me or break me... but my god I'm so ready to step on that stage.
I don't want to moan or turn this into a 'feel sorry for me' blog because prep is a privilege. But the whole point of this blog is to be as real, as honest and as close to the bone as I can be. So I will be honest. The last few days have been the darkest days I've ever faced.
"I am not good enough"
"I cannot do this"
"I haven't got what it take"
"I am too autistic"
All these thoughts have filled my head, and my god its been the hardest thing in the world to ignore. Every picture, every reflection, every image of myself has made me sick with worry because "I am not ready". Because "I am not good enough".
I know logically that I AM ready, that I AM good enough, and god dam it I AM a warrior princess that can take over the world. But my brain, my scared, autistic brain doesn't want to try... because trying is scary, trying means you could fail... Trying... trying means that I am really and truly going for a dream, a goal that I have longed for, for so long.
When I get scared I want to run, run far away and hide from the world. I run away from friends because im scared they could hurt me, ive run away from partners because... well again im scared of being hurt and now im wanting to run away because im really bloody scared. this means so much to me, ive worked my arse off for this and what if all those people that told me "youre not good enough" what if theyre right...
But then something amazing happened... after the worst night sleep, grumpy and tired I put on my bikini and started my posing. I looked in that mirror and started to cry. I saw the warrior princess that I knew I could be. I saw lines, I saw detail, I saw an athlete, I saw a bodybuilder, I saw someone who I couldn't believe I had become.
In the darkness, we forget to stop and look. I mean stop and really look, look with our heart not our clouded mind. My dark cloud has been lifted and im now on cloud nine! I am so proud of the person I have become. I am stronger for the darkness and I am greatful for the struggle, champions are built in the darkness and I promise I will be no different. I will work, I will try, I will push everyday until I get to where I want to be. I will never give up, my fire will never be put out because I know I am doing something truly special. something I have talent for, something I was made to do.
So to anyone who is stuck in the darkness, to anyone who doesn't believe they are good enough, for every little girl who was told she is "too" this or "too" that. For every autistic that has been too scared to try... THIS IS FOR YOU! I DO THIS FOR YOU, FOR US! Because we are more then good enough and we have the power, the talent, the passion to follow any dream! and I promise you right now its the best god dam feeling in the world.